My Genius is found at my lowest

I am alone
I am truncated
It is empty and void
There is nothing warm
People are shells
Happiness is vain
My mind lets go
The Earth moves
Seconds stretch
Purpose is lost
Songs are noise
Laughter hurts
Joy is criticized by future pain
The ephemeral looses it's grace
Death is immanent
Under the stifling humor I drone
I am alone and unable to breath
Fucked by destiny with it's unyielding penis
My fate is an anecdote
Time continues forward
Hope is ensconced under a girth of doubt
Fear echoes behind the scenes
The dialectics for tomorrow wilt
Insipid, vapid, innocuous, contrived, tenuous, superfluous, lethargic and fickle, a catharsis is reached
I am alone
Light I am
Enumerated One
Pathos posited
Harming detriment
Remuneration is tantamount
Love clamors pining
Old cadavers of sonorous defeat retract to their abyss
I am alone
I am strife
I am suffering
The world is work
I am
I am one

So these past three weeks have been waking up early in the morning...no not that early like the usual 7am and not getting home until 11 sometimes 12 in the morning, 7 days a week. I would say that that's pretty cool to be keeping myself busy but this isn't the case. I have been the anchor for an armenian comedy play, except this ship is being pulled all over the place with the only friction being water while I get fucking rock and dirt in my face through this three hour tour!!! On the bright side, it has everything that Armenians like, making fun of non-Armenians, slapping people around and educating people about how stupid and manipulative woman are, all wrapped in a wonderful language bow that every Armenian can understand...Armenian...Hilarious...and I am not even part of the cast, not in the least. I am the conglomeration of a personal assistant, a stage manager, the properties manager, the choreographer, the sound operator and the fucking scape goat which seems to probably be my official title. Working under one of if not the most stressed out finger pointing producer/director/writer/production knit-picker in the universe.

Now, I've always considered myself as an actor at the very least but a great appreciator of the theater definitely. I've never really done any technical theater work. I've just always acted. Now I don't think I'm very inconsiderate or at least I make a definite concerted effort not to be, well most of the time. And of coarse it may just be this production but I have never encountered more inconsiderate people in my life. These people just don't care flat out just don't. I want to call every stage manager I've ever had and apologize for ever giving them shit for anything!!! And not just inconsiderate but fucking retarded! So much so where I had WRITE THEIR OWN FUCKING BIOS FOR THEM!!! I don't know about you but I've never had to let someone else write about me because I was UNABLE TO WRITE ABOUT MY...FUCKING...SELF!!! Needless to say my appreciation level for actors has gone down several notches along with my tolerance for ever working with Armenians ever again!

I don't know what's worse, being treated as if I'm the only one fucking up and being yelled at for everything, getting paid $700 for over 250 hours (you do the math), or being part of dusche-baggery 2009.

There's just so many details I can get into but I just don't want to get all riled up and break something that wont fit in my $700 budget!

Well, lesson learned. I am officially a masochist. Someone shoot me.

Your four limb rusty and tarnished glare reminds me so much
Of when I was yours and not detached from comforts unmet
Such wounds that only in my throat carries woe and the such
I feel the future tears still bursting before me beset

What has this time shaved from my path that reaches to my thoughts
And clamored against your songs and butted the will of two
Nay saying yeses, doing don't s and caning the cannot s
For one to speak in words of dust and deaden impromptu

I can't be curt and placate this feeling is true I feel
The colors and textures do blend with one man and his own
But I'll stand and reason this sorrowful mind can reveal
A humor more like cynicism reaped of what is sown

If only love were just a choice that turned want into sin
The world would heal and this great eye of mine would love again

Yah, that's the sum of it. Since today at about 11 pm. I'm gonna vote for Bush.
j/k or maybe not.

Dis is nice Contree
I like prostituee

The late and the Great George Carlin past away. Sunday June 22 2008 @ 5:55p.m.
He was a true inspiration for many people and I know the world is missing a great man.
Today I'm sad for this reason.

Cause he was just there a minute ago...

So my 2nd niece was born on...
November 24 2007
17:00 pacific time
@ the Naval Hospital, Camp Pendleton CA.

WEIGHING IN AT...
8 lbs. 2 oz.
19"

Sonora Abeigail Quinn Dilanchian

This makes me an uncle Three times over.
She's effin adorable
Dark blue eyes
Straight Black hair
Only two hours of labor this time.
Kathy was almost bored!!!

I never really thought how happy babies make me feel. Especially ones that aren't mine but are so damn near close. Aaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhhh!!

This was a bulletin on myspace that I got from my brother who is currently in IRAQ. Although I'm very liberal about many things. It's shit like this that is always in mind. I am fully supportive of my brother and the choice he has made that effects everyone in this country. I'm not telling you to stop what games you're playing online or what pictures you're thumbing through because he fights so that you can do these things worry free. But this is just a taste, I don't dare ask for details from him.

Thank you,

RB
____________________________________________________

You stay up for 16 hours

He stays up for days on end.
____________________________________________________

You take a warm shower to help you wake up.

He goes days or weeks without running water.
____________________________________________________

You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.

He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.
____________________________________________________

You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.

He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.
____________________________________________________

You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.

He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.
____________________________________________________

You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.

He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.
____________________________________________________

You walk down the beach

He patrols the streets
____________________________________________________

You complain about how hot it is.

He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.
____________________________________________________

You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.

He doesn't get to eat today.
____________________________________________________

Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.

He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.
____________________________________________________

You go to the mall and get your hair redone.

He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.
____________________________________________________

You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.

He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months.
____________________________________________________

You call your friend and set a date for tonight.

He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.
____________________________________________________

You hug and kiss your friend, like you do everyday.

He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.
____________________________________________________

You roll your eyes as a baby cries.

He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet.
____________________________________________________

You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.

He sees people killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting.
____________________________________________________

You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him.

He hears the fire, and screams of the wounded.
____________________________________________________

You see only what the media wants you to see.

He sees the broken bodies lying around him.
____________________________________________________

You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.

He does exactly what he is told even if it puts his life in danger.
____________________________________________________

You stay at home and watch TV.

He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.
____________________________________________________

You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.

He tries to sleep but gets woken by mortars and helicopters all night long.
____________________________________________________

"Stop trying, stop caring.
it's better for you in the end.
no waiting no drowning.

what a world without betrayal
what a place without detriment
and again a state of peace

no need for communication
no reason to come back
don't look, just keep walking

The waters tiny creases remind you
they remind everyone of the purity from which they came

once human now something of a differed air
when lose seems to be rampant the only course is capitulation

apathetic, not understanding what lies behind and lingers around
waiting for this song to end and be forgotten.

die to sleep and awake pure once more
without desire or passion but in a firmament of solitude

awake to kill the dream and continue
start the journey and continue

breath, food, and sleep
the only necessities left to maintain

critical and unforgiving
allows for no deceit

unwavering and strong
adamantly decided

die to sleep
live another life

run away and shade the past behind the draped curtains of logic
think of nothing more and be!"

It's almost an outer body experience. It's spending time with you're self just to mill over things that you can't quite put together. It's not a personal thing really. It's fighting your urge, this undying struggle for clarity. To make sense of it all if there is any to be made. To rationalize what inappropriate thoughts or ideas may find their way into my head but not only what but why! It sometimes feels like slipping away almost into sleep but you're awake for every wide eyed second. It can't be comfortable because by then you've slipped into a mechanical insanity! It wondering about what to do next if to do anything. It's trying to hold on to this ephemeral and almost fleeting hope of total comprehension. One thought sometimes negates another. It is hard to judge whether a thought confirms delusion or the break of genius. Maybe with trial, something...something might come out but so far nothing! Analyzing my own thoughts worries me, what am I trying to do to myself? In latter observation, hope seems to take over this rotting notion of normalcy and I finally find myself content. Yet, I carry on pondering my thoughts. Heavy lay the burdens of my mind on my shoulders. Maybe the analysis is the direct result of this scare. Maybe I am bizarre by my own standards. Maybe, I've only adopted these "standard" from others. I feel on the brink of a complete and irreparable lapse. The feelings are numb the fear is only the anticipation of loss of control. Outside of myself and still alone. Not that that's a bad thing. But still alone. An inaudible roar clamors echoed cacophony behind my eyes cast in static red lightning. Walking faceless and transparent through my dusty plain of existence are myriads of voices that bind with chains and rope to my ebb of silence. Untouched, malnourished, and without tools i'm put to work. Slaving under unrelenting sun screaming rays of light cooking my skin boiling the very blood that speaks nothing more than, "live!" becomes my history. It turns me fettered and course, immutable and shallow, hard and unforgiving, and i become an un-healing scab.

*Subtitle*
"From the halls to the shores"

For the past three days since tuesday night, I've been spending time with my brother here at the base for what could possibly be the last day's I have left with him. Tomarrow he starts the soldiers journey to IRAQ. And to be quite honost I don't know how to feel. It's not that I'm mixed with the uncertainty of his survival or the fact that I have to acknowledge that inevitablity. I was actually kind of forced to come here. Because of obligations to family. If he wasn't family I couldn't care less. He's a dick unlike any I've ever had to deal with. And being a jar head make the experience all that more raw. (I apologize for the this callous repraise) We spent most of the time just talking about stupid things and not much other than that really. It was quite a boring past time. I don't really expect any more from a married man with two tots and a marine none the less. I don't really care much for politics but he is an avid republican. I don't really quite care for the military but he's marine and that's pretty much all he respects. So I guess there's nothing really more to say. So I'll leave with that!

always faithful,
RB

I've been off this shin-dig for a while partly because I haven't had time to put my thoughts down, not that anyone cares. It's funny to me when I happen to notice things that that in my head seems like a sort of clairvoyance and come true. I say this because it seems funny because i logic what I notice away. But not that anyone cares. I have trouble or rather have been having more trouble with buisness and pleasure or the reconcilation of the two. That also seems funny to me. Specially when I end up loving the buisness side more so than the pleasure. I am a very strange comformist I just realized as i'm going from key stroke to key stroke, but not that anyone cares.

(PERSONAL NOTES)

Carlos-If you're going to nudge me...do it in person.

Morgan-We're still cool. Or atleast I'm hoping my side isn't more cool than you're side!!!(I probably worded that incorrectly, my apologies)

Jericho-Summer 2007...Lights, camera, action!

Everyone else-howdie doo drops!

Oh, and about the subject line. I don't know whether to feel free or pissed...because I just got fired from my job...TODAY!!!

heart,
-RB

You nudge me so good

I know I don't post a lot but I think this little bit of news merits regard. I got my headshots and that makes me very happy. I know it doesn't seem like such an accomplishment and it probably is minuscule compared to lot's of real accomplishments but this took me a lot of time and courage to muster together(run-on, shmurun-on). In the meanwhile, while my computer ignorant ass finds out how to post the stupid picture I just want everyone in the world to know that happiness is a self-portrait, depicting the veracity of how important and amazing you are to look at. This grill is going to get an award. I'll stake my penis on it....um wait my nuts on it.

So my niece was born MARCH 22, 2006
19:33 hours
8 pounds 13 ounces
Eternity Anne Dilanchian
at the Naval Hospital, Oceanside CA
CAMP PENDELTON

and let me tell you
I have nothing to complain about.
Not even the speeding ticket I got
on my way down there.

Life right now is good, really good!!!

hi ******,

I'm sorry I haven't been messaging you as much as I think I should've.
I'm sorry I haven't sent you anything yet.
I'm sorry that you had to go away.
I'm sorry that we sometimes didn't understand each other. I've been busy with life and I'm sorry for leading such an unhealthy and tireless lifestyle. But I hope that doesn't effect you.
I'm sorry for a lot of things obviously and I'm doubly sorry for being sorry, literally.
I'm sorry for all my glib notions and ill-founded inference.
I'm sorry for my lack of substance and articulation.
I'm sorry for the dryness left in your mouth everytime you have to read my e-mails.
I'm sorry for many things for many reasons.

-I think there is something I should apologize for that I haven't thought of yet but I'm also sorry for that. Well in any case, I hope for better and more correspondence in the future on both our parts. There is more i should be telling you but I hate phone and e-mail and picture conversations. I hate them because they are for the lack of a better word intangible. When I talk to you I invest a lot in what I say and what I get from you which is a compliment I don't think I've every received or am in the running to receive. That's why I think I should apologize.

That's all. You don't have to respond if you don't want to 'cause if I got this letter I would not know what to think of it, if anything. I just hope you're still there and as long as I think your reading this then I can find some comfort in that.

-Please be patient with me and I will deliver. That is a promise.

Forever reverent,
RB

Hi everyone,

how are you doing?

I hope I'm not talking to myself.

I've just realized how much I care about crap. Some of that crap isn't really crap, it's special to me. Anyway that going to be the end of what I need to say. I apologize for being so vague. But I will leave you now hoping there is no animosity!!!

Love sincerely,

your friend,

RB

"Thank you!!"
No it wasn't sincere at all. It was what you'd say when you win! It's what was spawned not out of facilitation but out of sheer coincidence/luck/karma/fate. And so said this my friend. My mountain, my relentless. And so said this my dilettante with his feigned veracity.
"Thank you!!!", yet again muttered with the same full intent.
There was more said but I was nowhere to be found. I was lost in anomie. It was sweet and liberating but through the filters and through the detention, the "Thank you"'s broke through.
"Thank you!!!", and again like a beating drum it hit without delay, like clockwork!
If only stopping it would improve the situation then I would have to think about something else to complain about. My silence was the only weapon against the barrage of false acclaimation. It was nothingness that kept me sane. This itch under my foot was going to feel too weird to scratch. A direct approach was not going to help.
He of course says it again, on beat. But by now the itch disappears and I lost the relief of the untorn first layer of skin. I have to scratch it and the itch has to be there. If it goes away then I loose this miniscule battle and I'm put in a ravaged mood.
I can't do anything about it because it's gone and what's gone is gone.
The battle ends but the limb is severed and an accord is reached. But the limb is still severed. Frustrated and unable to reprimand with full force for my peace of mind the day progresses.
"Thank you!!!"

Her face as wrinkled as weary time
Her lips scrunched strong between vermillion lines
Her temper gripping to her throat stretched high
Her tears withdrawn from each red-shattered eye

Complacency killed her son's compassion
Now insulted and of a bitter fashion
Her calm keeps bulwark against her thoughts
Wanting empathy to ferment when only it rots.

Her static silence
Came after the violence
Awaiting her just reward
But truth shows the curse
If the fire can submerse
Her forgiveness needs her accord

Her mouth open defiant to quiet the boy
Her words come stern and he turns coy
"My emotions are low from years of declamation
And all the insulting feed my merited indignation!

Pay attention now kid, one finality you must know
My spirits are weak but my courage will show
From then til now take care of what you say
I will not tolerate another word another day!"

The boy distraut and to his consternation
Her face returned to it's everyday complexion
Her head tilted back to continue the day
The boy turned his head in ravaging dismay

The defeated kid sauntered off and away
Pride and composure was won from the fray
Another from the ultimatum drawn
She graduated to queen from ever the pawn.

THAT VACANT STARE HOLD

Nothing and no one could break it,
Head hard shaft was tense and instinctive,
And the glove was stretched to it's pinnacle
To be placed on the dog that's vomitting white power,
Black hole throbbing juices too sour
Anticipation can't hold or cower but the cow's drained,

Too soon, too late for another recollection
Five more minutes for some scattered contemplation
Black hole upset, confused from the consulation
Of the contraversial, pointless sore erection

But that vacant stare holds through,
To the eyes bleeding from tears,
To face ravaged with madness,
To the sight of the star-spilled sky.